Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Life’s never been easy I’ve never looked for pity but a bit of a break would have made it worth living I am trying my best to keep my head above water. I have tried to get justice I tried to get heard there’s no one to listen they are watching the living dead. I have had enough don’t want to live anymore, I thought my broken heart would stop being sore. It just seems relentless it just never stops I only want love that’s where the buck stops I want someone to see the 12 year old girl that opened her heart to share with the world. I got hurt again and ran away. Was made to shut up and go back there to stay. The spirit I had left was blown out like a candle. My soul was destroyed the day I stood there tears falling from my eyes as I stared at my shoes I couldn’t comprehend why I didn’t matter. I feel now looking back that poor child that girl. Who wants to know now the answer is still no one did then and they never will I called myself filed and forgotten as my story was written aged 12 and stored away much like my memories to be reached another day. Files missing lost and forgotten like part of my brain left on a shelf but where I am now I will never find as its gone forever burned deep inside. I have lost so much of me I don’t know who I am my parents were alcoholics who didn’t give a damn but what worried me more was I told the system. They tortured me more then forced us back to live together the poor broken child was tossed in the river. I can’t reach her I’ve lost her for good she stood in the dark holding on as long as she could. I’m sorry to sound bitter but I have tried so many doors it does get tiresome my knuckles are raw. I have spoken to many they all say the same we are starting to listen times will change. I have had enough I want out the other side I want to find out if its where my 12 year old lost me has gone to live I want her back as I wanted her then she deserves a life like everyone else. I tried so many times to have her wee voice heard it’s too tough now my body and mind have become one they’re both crumbling in tune and I cannot go on. I held onto me during all the darkest times. I held onto hope mixed with a little faith. I think I gave all and a little more I have nothing left and I want to give more. Her fingers have slipped I can no longer find her the inner Childs gone I have nothing to save I have done my best I learned to build websites whilst lying unwell here inside my own private hell. I have tried to fight a road often travelled whilst sitting around me my family watch me unravel. They don’t realise they are busy living I can’t blame them as life’s for living. I wanted my operation and to be a piece of me whole I’m lying with broken body and broken soul. I cannot concentrate on TV radio or books the medication I’m on leaves me feeling so lost as even my laptops too heavy for me now. I am slipping so slowly I can see in slow motion my finger marks as I slip into the ocean I am stuck in my bed now staring at the same 4 walls my inner child echoes and calls I wish I could get up I would just keep running but when running stops it just stops running so here I’m sat with lost lonely me my broken body and mind make it 3. I want my body to be free from all the pain and my head to stop running lost like a train. I want to be left free to think without hurting and for system to give justice to victims and make them survivors. Stop creating more and stop the abuse from the ongoing train wreck it is as they are trying to free the wrong people again I see I want freedom so please stop and look at me... learn what you did you broke me.